Joke - JAZZ MUSICIANS Helpline

JAZZ MUSICIANS Helpline

Welcome to the JAZZ MUSICIANS' HELPLINE. Your call is important to us so please use the following menu system to shorten your wait:

If you are a bandleader wishing to know your opinion of yourself, press 1

If you are a tuba/sousaphone player in a 'classic' jazz band inquiring which beats you will be expected to play on, press 1 and 3

If you are a drummer wanting to know on which beats to press your hi-hat pedal, press 2 and 4 - regularly spaced if you can manage it

If you are a banjo player inquiring about how many strings to buy for a complete re-stringing of your instrument, press 4

If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck press 5 then 4

If you are an agent wanting to know how much commission to charge, press 15. Or 20. Or 25. Or whatever number you fancy

If you want to know the REAL length in minutes of a jazz musician's '15-minute break' enter any number in excess of 45

If you are at a cultural crossroads between jazz and rhythm & blues and can't decide which Route to take, press 66

If you are over 60 and always forget to play the coda, press RECALL

If you wish to express your opinion of what your bandleader makes of gig arrangements, press HASH

If you are a bebop tenor player press as many keys as fast as you can for 20 minutes or more or until the room is empty, whichever comes first

If you wish to check your retirement account, press 0