BIG BAND NAMES

BIG BAND NAMES

DEWEY NEEDHAM AND HIS JAZZ ORCHESTRA

TRUMPETS
Al Tissimo (scream trumpet)
Pops de Vane (old time 1st trumpet)
Pearce Eardrum
Keane Payne
Plenty Haitönen (1st trumpet Finland)
Willy Makit or Kenny Makit (1st trumpet - & wife Betty Wont)
Buster Bloodvessel (1st trumpet)
Felix Cited
Howie Spitz
Ames Toulouse
Chops O'Gonagen (or Lips O' Gonagen)
Ed Down
Rusty Piston
Buster Hinote
Diz Astor
Noah Count

TROMBONES
Hi Register
Slip Shod
Willie Show
Bjent Slide
Adolf Tune
Slide Rule
Mosley Late
Scott Noslide (on valve trombone)
Terry Billnoise
Slip Horner
Moe Zaic
Justin Tune
Latent Pist (Swedish)
Lew Slips (bass trombone)
Keith Myath (toothless bass trombone)
Tom Bone

SAXOPHONES
Kenny Read - lead alto
Izzy Sharp - lead alto
Pearl Keys (female lead alto)
Mosley Flat - 2nd alto
Les Tone - 2nd alto
Manny Notes - 1st tenor
Mai-Lik - Chinese 1st tenor
Reed Mylips - 1st tenor
Otto Tune - 2nd tenor
Ron Key - 2nd tenor
Lee King - 2nd tenor
Olaf Awhiskey - Swedish tenor
Mustafa Fix - Arabic tenor
Selmer Horn - broke tenor player
Seymour Butts - baritone
Rusty Keys - baritone
Arthur Chorus - baritone
Ima Growler - baritone

FLUTE
Bret Support - Will Trill - Mosley Sharpe - Lotta Air - Vera Piercing (piccolo)

TUBA
Dick Hertz - Sue Saphone

FRENCH HORN

Zero Terry Valve - Belle Tone

ALPEN HORN

Switzer Land

RHYTHM SECTION

PIANO
R. Peggio - Manny Wong Kordz - Phil Allgaps - Hugo Tommy Head (piano bar) - Sven Lightsarlo (Swedish piano bar) - Thelonious Gallintown (gay pianist)

ORGAN
Page Turner

BASS
Ron Lines - Pete Ziccato (Italian) - Toulouse De Beat (French) - Buster Gutt - Warren Fretts - Uguludunga (African) - Dieter Gee (Ian's brother - see below) - Stan Dupp - Simi Lowe - Sleepy Walker

GUITAR
Ron Kords - Rex Yurears (rock guitarist) - Ian Gee & Rudy Mentry (folk guitarists) - Kent Reed - Segovia Carpet (classical guitarist) - Django Bells - Rock Enrol - Sten Gunn (Swedish rock guitarist)
- Ivan Slipisliksin (Russian BeBop guitarist) - Blues Lee (Chinese blues guitarist)

DRUMS
Phil Dinn - Don Swing - No-Tai-Ming (Vietnamese) - Owen Transport (Welsh) - Will Travel - Arturo Versees - Knut Loose (Danish) - Ching Boom (Chinese) - I.Q. Lowe - Pres Rohl - Willie Rushmore - Chick Chickering

VIBES
Hal Mallet

BANJO
Ricky Tick

HARP
Anne Dante

HARPSICHORD
Arron Variation

ORGAN
Hammond Orgone

PERCUSSION
Perry Diddle - Jim Nasium - Tim Bales

STRING SECTION
Adolf Fiddler - Phil Harmonic (1st Violin) - Fay Kerr (2nd violin) - Vi Baratto - Vera Sharp (violas) - Beau Braker (Cello) - Aaron De Djeestryng

DANCERS
Dinah Sore - Betty Whont - Sonia Papermoon - Sharon Sharalijk - Lois D. Nominator - Barbara Seville - Tamara Nevercomes - Tamara Zanutha Day - Anne Fetamin - Anna Rexia - Tap Bottoms - Tutu Divine

CHOREOGRAPHY
Amanda B. Reckonwith - Ben Dover (gay) - Dan Sing (Asian) - Jacques Strahp

DANCE TEAMS
Ko & Nova Caine - Sam & Janet Evening - Monica Zakerminov (Russian)

FEMALE SINGERS
Norma Stitts (or E. Norma Stitts) - Eileen Back - Eileen Dover - Annie Keewildoo - Sheila Blige (or Sheila O'Blige) - Marsha Dymes - Lotta Head - Terri Belle (French) - Kay Sirah-Sirah (Anglo/Egyptian)
Deborah C. Ewe (singer with adenoid problem) - Mozarella Fitzgerald (Italian jazz singer) - Carmen Gettit (Spanish) - Vera Bedworthy - Ava Banana (South American)

FEMALE BLUES SINGERS
Bertha De Blues - Elefants Gerald

FEMALE DUO
Annie Tune 'n' Annie Key

MALE SINGERS
Amos B.Haven - Denny Nodsout - Lee Thargic - Amos Havacik Daly (Jewish,Slovak,Irishman) - Chester Gigolo - Payne N. Diaz - Kanta Singh (Indian) - Barry Tone - Beau Bells

COUNTRY & WESTERN SINGERS
Lars Roundup (Swedish) - Abner Selfabal

BACKING VOCALS
Rachel Prejudice - Freda Slaves - Sybil Rights (South African trio) - Anita Leigh - Eustace Crew - Ike and Turner Corner

SINGING COACH
Hal E. Tosis - Iona Ferrari

ARRANGER
Walt Smedley

BAND LEADERS / CONDUCTORS
Dewey Needham - Ron Tempo - Ivor Wiggon - Walter Mess - Charles Louis D'Inse (French) - Voorhees A. Jollygoodfellow - Owen De Guys (and his wife Leigh De Guys) - Yuron Yurown (Israeli) - Seldon Wright - Kent Count - Ofun Wong (Chinese) - Kick der Raas (Dutch) - Count Immov - Izzy Goudinov - Phil Harmonic (classical) - Dick Dolittle - Hans Zupp

MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Darryl B. Moreticome - Jertzy Bounce (Polish)

BAND COMMEDIAN
Lucius N. Savuma

SOUND CREW
Lew Swires - Mike Rafone - Mustafa Djoint - Mike Fawlty - Elco Short - Anna Log - Lotta Elco

LIGHTING
Justin Case - Flip M. Awn - Jerry Rigg

ELECTRICIAN
Les Voltage

CAMERA
Will Shutter

BAND BOY
Noah I. Cue

SECURITY
B. A. Dick - Rick O'Shae - Ian Security

LIBRARIAN
Miss Inga Page

COPYIST
L. Egible

ROADIES
Oliver Beer (English) - Mannheim Stoned (German) - Manuel Lehba (Spanish) - Ram Shackle (Indian), Fu Kiu (Chinese) - Wang Kerr - Tucker Inn - Humphrey Cases - Leonard Beerstein - Largo Factotum - Park Benchley

STAGE MANAGER
Lew Scannon - Stan By

BUS DRIVER
Ben Z. Dreen - Oliver de Rode

TOUR COORDINATORS
Alice Verboten (German - discipline)
Ate De Jong (Dutch - child care)
Walter Wohlcarpitz (accomodation)

UNION REPRESENTATIVE
Morey Ziduals - Scott Free - Fairleigh Honest

PATRONS (OR SPONSORS)
Baron Wasteland - Lord Elpuss

MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT
Bacchus Stabber

BOOKING AGENTS
Al Fresco (Outdoor Festivals) - Gig Booker - Willy Paye - Rip Orff

MANAGERS
Robin Bastard - Anthony Bluitt

PUBLICITY & PR
Igg Norriss - Ed Vertise - Mai Ling (China) - Jess Fine

FAN CLUB PRESIDENT
Doug de Ban

TALENT SCOUT
Hiram Cheap

BAND LAWYERS
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe - Art Schmartz - Shuster Sheisster

WARDROBE
Zip Herrup - I. B. Sewinn

CATERERS
Andy Pasta - Harry Vederci - Laika McAroni - Sal Monella - Art Burne - Mo Zarella - Al Dente

ACCOUNTANT
Iris Audit - Sawyer Cockoff

BAND CHAPLAIN
Theo Log (Dutch) - C. de Light - Hal L. Ujah - Patience Hopefully (female pastor)

BAND POSTMAN
Zip Cody

BAND DOCTOR

Lancelot Carver

CRITIC
Pandit Mersey-Leslie

Q-Metal Replacement Bridge Pins- Depleted Uranium (DU) Bridge pins increase sustain!

Many people change out their bridge pins over time in effort to find their individual tone. Couple that quest to increase string sustain, string life, and greater volume one can easily understand that epic TONE is an elusive and often misunderstood phenomenon. TUSQ is one of the factory favorites because of its availability, cost, and consistent tone. Other materials used include brass, fossilized bone, tusk, and simple plastic.

However, now with the aid of technology we can now buy depleted uranium bridge pins. Q-Pins as they are called offer superior tone because they are heavier than brass and lead pins. In addition, they glow in the dark and therefore you will stand out on the stage - Want to get noticed for your playing? Well, why not be noticed for your choice of equipment! Show your superior knowledge of showmanship, catch the eye of that wall flower in the hundredth row. Yes, indeed these pins are also available as string pins and projectiles. These babies pack a punch and will drop a Bull Elephant at 30 paces. With this string anchor and defense mechanism you can virtually lay off your security department and save overhead.

Heavy - Q-metal P-Pin is the projectile version of this product. With a density of 19.1cm/3 these pins are 68.4% denser than lead and have a half life of 4.468 billion years. You are buying these pins not only as a tone investment but a inheritance.

Some worry about Q-Pins carcinogenic long term effect on humans - Poppy cock! The WHO stated, "In aggregate then human epidemiological evidence is consistent with in risk of birth defects in offspring of persons exposed to DU." Yeah, they also wrote, "Multiple studies using cultured cells and laboratory rodents suggest the possibility of leukemogenic, genetic, reproductive, and neurological effect from chronic exposure." In actuality, these pins are no more dangerous than a visit to the Grand Canyon during the rainy season.

These pins are becoming easier to find and will be available soon in a store near you!

Gary Moore RIP

Gary Moore passed away this past weekend while on holiday in Spain. As usual, mainstream media is greedy and there were unsubstantiated reports speculating on unnatural cause of death.

Gary had a heart attack and for many, the first one is the last one.

A emotional player who never failed to inspire us all to play well - to the best of our capabilities!

We miss you Gary but you are jamming with the best. Say hello to Les for us all!

Gary Moore's web page click here

Taylor GC-8 review & GC series

I recently met Bob Taylor when he visited Gryphon Strings in Palo Alto, California. This was an informal mini-show that was very informative and genuinely fun. Bob spoke about his two factories and how he entered the business after purchasing a small shop from a person who was leaving the guitar repair business. The entire meeting was well over two hours long and Bob was very generous with his time and insites. I'll save the information for another post.

Bob did bring some really nice guitars a long with him and several caught my attention. One guitar was a 12 fret short scale guitar without a cut-away, spruce top, and ovangkol body and sides. The tone was not over-bearing and the beauty was astounding. Not one to simply review a guitar based on beauty, I found that the guitar had a decent bass response to finger picking and a nice balance with a pick. The guitars that Bob Taylor brought on tour certainly were meant to provoke some serious GAS! The simplicity of this guitar is an excellent segue to the Taylor Grand Concert series.

The Taylor GC line starts at an affordable $1300 range. The target audience are light strummers and finger pickers. The body is smaller than the x14 series of Taylor instruments. All of these instruments are made in the USA and more importantly - California. My subject model is a GC-8 with Sitka Spruce top and Indian Rosewood back and sides. The inlays are abalone as is the rosette. The spruce shows some light bear claw but is mostly flawless. The neck is mahogany and the fingerboard is ebony with ivoroid binding. This guitar is by no means a cherry-picked guitar and is a random choice in terms of this review. I think the most important part about a review is what input can I give that isn't represented by the manufacturer's website?

I am used to playing Grand Auditorium sized guitars so the first thing I noticed was the smaller rear bout on this guitar. A larger person might find this size guitar to be less desirable due to the lack of arm support while smaller people will welcome the petite body. The fingerboard is a 15 inch radius and the neck size is neither small nor a boat neck. The neck shape is distinctly different than the V style of Martin guitars. I love the Martin necks but this neck is a very comfortable neck and easy to grip. The frets are cut well with no overhang and butted to the edge of the fingerboard. The super cool feature is the slotted headstock. This design affords easy access to the tuning knobs and makes tuning a joy. However, some might complain about string installation with this configuration because one must employ a little more effort when holding the strings and turning the tuning keys. This complaint about the slotted headstock is the same fuss I've heard about 99% of all classical guitars and unless you are changing strings daily, it shouldn't be an issue--hardly a deal breaker for this player. The scale is 24 7/8th which is great for a personal guitar. The size of this model's body makes for sensible volume levels where it will top out if you strum hard. If you employ aggressive strumming then you should seek a different model guitar with a larger body and longer scale as this guitar never had that style of playing in mind as a functional requirement.

Playability is awesome if you love blues or folk finger picking. The short scale affords easier string bends due to reduced string tension per scale. The tone is slightly brighter than a Martin 000-28 which many consider to be an alternative. I tuned the GC-8 guitar down for a little slide playing and found that this style is not a perfect match for this guitar. In contrast, my Taylor 514 CE plays far better in slide style and I attribute this to the 25.5 inch scale. As a side note, I am not sold on the coated strings of any brand (see article) but I think many people will appreciate the coated string's ability to reduce string oxidation. A plectrum user might find this guitar to be an appreciable challenge at first but a little time on the instrument provided me with broad array of tones short on only deep baritone values of which I didn't expect from this size and type of instrument.

Portability of the instrument is excellent especially since it fits most airplane over head compartments. The case fits fine but I don't like the fixed handles which I've found to be subject to premature wear but otherwise the case is rugged and protective.

Most of the Taylor GC models do not come with pickups or the expression system although you can order this guitar to be custom built with the expression system as well as a variety of wood combinations.

I would strongly suggest trying out one of these guitars even if you have decided to purchase a long scale dreadnought guitar. The wonderful playability, portability, pleasing aesthetics and delightful tone might fuel your desire to diversify your guitar quiver.

More musician jokes!

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead snake in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How can you tell when a soprano is at your door?
You can't. She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

What's another definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist.
At last she asks him why he keeps calling.
"I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."

What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Three guys are sitting at a bar.

#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
#2: "What do you do for a living?"
#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."
#1: "What do you do?"
#2: "I'm an architect."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
#3: "Gee...hmmm...I guess about $13,000."
#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of sticks do you use?"

Fender S-1 switch looks engaged when it isn't !?

I really do like the samarium cobalt pickups employed by Fender in conjunction with the S-1 system. However, there are a few complaints that I'd like to fix. The first complaint is that the S-1 switch often looks like it is engaged (depressed in the photo above) when it in fact is not engaged. The second complaint is that it is difficult to turn the volume pot. If you look closely at the header photo you will see very small gap between the bottom of the pot knob and the top of the pick-guard. What most people have done is press down the pot knob until it is flush with the pick-guard and therefore friction develops between the pot knob and the pick-guard.

To fix this problem I found that I would need to remove the pot cap entirely. This must be done carefully to prevent damaging the pot cap. The pot cap is fragile and relatively expensive in terms of mass to cost. I used a tool in order to prevent damaging my customers' guitar.

Next, I removed the potentiometer from the pick-guard using a knob/bushing puller (StewMac) and removed the lock washer located between the pot and the underside of the pick-guard.

The culprit!

I find that this washer is a little too thick and the pot cap doesn't seat low enough to prevent the S-1 switch from looking like it is "ON."

I swapped out the old lock-ring and installed a thinner washer shown on the left below. The thinner washer allows more of the pot shaft to be exposed thus allowing the outer pot cap to sit deeper on the potentiometer. With the outer portion of the pot cap sitting lower the inner S-1 sits higher and no longer appears to be engaged.

You must be certain to hold the pot when you tighten it to the pick-guard otherwise the assemble will not go back together properly. If the pick-guard assemble doesn't just drop back into the body cavity then you have to adjust the rotation orientation of the pots so that they do not interfere with the wire harness or touch the wood of the guitar body.

When installing the S-1 switch you must first install the S-1 center piece. Adjust the volume pot so it lines up with ten then install the cap assemble (S-1) going in the pot hole first, with the number ten closest to the pick-up screw as illustrated below.

Carefully seat the pot cap with the S-1 shaft going in first. I placed a thickness gauge (~0.89mm/0.035") beneath the pot cap to set a gap. If you don't have a thickness gauge handy you could use a business card or an extra thin guitar pick beneath the pot cap to prevent pushing the pot cap on too deeply. See illustration below.

Once you are completed the switch will line up and not look like it's engaged when it is NOT and visa versa.

Nice, all done and ready to go!

Guitar Buzz Diagnosis

Buzzing is generally characterized as unwanted noise generated while playing the instrument. The cause of this unwanted noise is usually an anomaly that can be fixed. Some buzzing can be a symptoms of more serious problems.

The following is a list of buzz causes:

1. Low action
2. High action
3. Relief
4. Light gauge strings
5. Low nut
6. Nut groove too tight or loose
7. Back buzz
8. Low saddle
9. Flat saddle
10. Deeply notched saddle
11. Uneven frets
12. Low frets
13. Flat frets
14. String interference
15. Stray string ends
16. Damaged strings
17. Loose parts
18. Broken parts
19. Technique - Sorry, but this is true. If are playing an acoustic and you employ the same amount of force as what might be used on an electric guitar - you might need to reassess the amount of force applied. In addition, a heavy pick could cause increased force and therefore create a buzz condition.