Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard -- There's one in every family

Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor -- A girlfriend

Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"

Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you

Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but

Bass -- The things you run around in softball

Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Tempo -- Good choice for a used car

A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses

Cut Time-- Parole

Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

High C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

Clef -- What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul

Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives

Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"

Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie

Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses